Am I a failure...

Well, am i a really failure or what...or just am i paranoid by my ownself. I not been myself, just cant open myself to others. Why? Urgh...

Yesterday attend my dear buddy birthday party. I know she was there since the day before, but i just dun dare to go early coz i dunno how to start my conversation with her so let me call her J. I felt so lost... never been so lost. I reach there much more early than what I been but i keep walking around the resort just to spent the time, never feel the time past so slow. I know that i still have to face it...so i pick up my courage and procced to the chalet.

Upon reaching there, I saw J. Just a nice greet with her coz she is rushing to the other room for changing. After that, I saw William and others and begin to chat with them coz thats is the only clicks i noe for that moment. Wonder my social circle that small rite...thats me! Always a loner, never open for others to seek in my inner emotional part. Living in a small world of mine.

Anyway, the whole night most of the time always been alone, my thoughts are really just wan to get out of this place at once and go to a quiet place. Saw J with her sisters...I dunno why I wan to run away from her. Just can face her...but I still secretly watch at her for some moment. To other she may just look normal, but for me...it just look so different...an angel from heaven. Her sweet smile still remains in my mind. She is the one that start shaken my thought of other girl that I keep in mind for long...I dunno whether really J is the really angel girl in my mind or even my future coz she really make me started to forget the girl I once admire. I really kinda lost.

Well, their group of sisters saw me alone came approach towards me and I heart was beating faster coz I got to face J. It is hard for me coz so many eyes looking at me...been shy and I really lost of words and the whole night I kept silence just peeping J for several times without letting her know even there are lotsa pretty ladies at the party. But my vision most of the time are at her.

After the party, time for unwarp gifts...so we proceed to the other room and I just sat at a position that can see her most of the time. Dunno why William keep wanted to look at my gift that I give to Fiona, making me freak out coz I just so scare that J may misunderstand why I give such an expensive gift to Fiona. Although it is true that may be an expensive pen for her but I treat Fiona as buddy and a very good friend of mine that she sometimes really helps me alot at times I am down. Moreover, it is a good reason why I give her coz her will be studying her Uni course soon so I hope this pen can accompany her and giving her the encouragement to continue to attain good results and motivate her as doing part-time studies really tough. But looking at that time of unwraping the my gift for Fiona. I saw all of them show signs of envy...but wat really concern me is J's feeling. I think she may misunderstand that I want to court Fiona or wat...but I really not...my feeling is towards J.

After the gift unwraping session, we have some games...and fun. I still dun have the encouragement to speak to her...I not prepare for that...i'm really freaking out of myself.

I dunno whether I too sensitive or wat but one of her sisters let me call her X borrow some vcds fo mine and wat make me question myself is when the moment she say that after she finish watching it, she will ask J to return me...

Den came Darren, as during in the party i was alone...he came and ask me how was i with J. Thats came my sensitive and know that something was wrong.

But wat make me regret is not sending J back home coz early in the morning she and one of her sister wanted to go back home early so they just left and X hint me to go send her. I was like a stupid idiot guy dunno wan or dun wan...so indecsive...my heart tells me to go but my body dun seems to be answering my signal. Damn! Anyway, i just send her out of the room...Urgh! Feel so bad now! After sometime of thoughts, I sms her and make some apologies to her and hope that I still stand achance.

P.S Now i really dunno what i goin to do...should i sms her or wat...i really want to know her more. But there is a barrier in my own...who am i courting her...i just a normal ordinary guy. Neither i a well spoken person nor a knowlegdable person. I just a dull guy...but i just wan to spent my time with the one i love forever even if I know i going to die or wat... To me...I always tell myself, I will never make the one i love shed a single tear. I promise.